Resolving Conflict

There are as many different approaches to conflict resolution as there are reactions to conflict, but the emphasis is on working through conflict, rather than avoiding it or escalating it. Conflict can be a healthy and necessary thing for a community or for a set of roommates/housemates, but it can also be scary and hurtful.

It is important to think about how you approach conflict and to discuss this with other members of your community. In this way, you and your roommates/housemates can be better prepared when conflicts arise. 

Every roommate/suitemate/housemate relationship will be different. This is okay. Learning to live with someone and developing a positive relationship takes time and will not happen overnight. It takes time to learn and understand each other’s unique perspectives and differences. Make an effort to keep communicating expectations and boundaries!

Steps in Resolving Conflict

Step 1:  Initially, if you are uncomfortable talking with your roommate(s), suitemates, or housemates, talk with your RA, AM or RLC. Your RA or AM is an objective person available to listen to your concerns and help you brainstorm ways to resolve the issues. Your RLC is also ready to help and aid you in this process. It is important not to gossip or share these concerns with people who may then pass them along to your roommate(s)/housemate. If she/he hears about your concerns from someone other than you, it can further escalate the problem. 

Step 2:  Share your concerns with your roommate/suitemate/housemate. This can be one of the hardest steps to undertake. There can be feelings of guilt and fear prohibiting you from taking this step. You may think sharing your thoughts will hurt his/her feelings or create more problems, but it is the first step to resolving the conflict. Make sure that each person takes a turn describing his/her perception of the situation, how he/she feels about it and what he/she wants. When you share concerns:

  • Be specific. What is the main concern you have with the situation?
  • Share your feelings. Let him/her know that this is a difficult process for you but that you are committed to resolving the problems.
  • Take ownership for your feelings. In order to maintain open communication, don’t attack your roommate(s)/suitemate/housemate and put them on the defensive. Use “I” statements such as “I feel upset when you watch TV while I am trying to study” or, “I need the room quiet when I go to bed because of my early morning class.”
  • Be positive. Share with your roommate(s), suitemates, or housemates the things you appreciate about your relationship.
  • Take time out. Make sure that you are not trying to discuss your concerns while you are upset or angry. Taking time to cool down will help you be more open and objective during the conversation.

Step 3:  Work with each other  to create resolutions to the concerns. Once everyone has shared their concerns, it is important that the dialogue continues as an equal exchange between you. Once an issue has been identified, brainstorm ways in which it can be addressed. An RA, AM, or RLC can be present while you do this to help facilitate the conversation.

Step 4:  Take action. It is great that you have outlined resolutions and ways to work out your issues but it is important to take this plan and put it into action.

  • Be patient.  Things will not change overnight. Recognize that you and your roommate(s) or housemates are trying to adjust and work to make living together better.
  • Be positive. Give your roommate(s) or housemates positive feedback when you notice them doing the things you had discussed.
  • Be flexible. Both you and your roommate(s)/suitemate/housemate need to make adjustments, compromise, and cooperate.
  • Be persistent. If you find that you are slipping into old habits, address this. Talk to your RA, AM, or RLC again. Go back to Step 1 and share your concerns

Resources

Your RA or AM.  He/she lives close to you and is available to listen to you and help you in any way possible.

Your RLC.You can call x4500 or go to the Residence Life & Housing Office in Anderson Street Hall to set up an appointment.

Counseling Services.The counseling staff is well trained in working through conflict mediation and will also support you if you are feeling stressed or anxious about the situation.